The first day of our long marriage, when we vowed not to stifle one another.
Tim and I have now lived in partnership for over half our lives and are acutely cognizant of the blessing of this long marriage.
When we agreed to marry, we promised not to stifle each other. And even though we tried our best in those early years of career building, nest-feathering and child-rearing, it took me about seventeen years before I could breathe easy.
Some of that had to do with sleeplessness. In those early years, Tim was on-call at the hospital every third night, and I was pregnant or nursing an infant for six consecutive years. We became efficient: I didn’t hear the telephone at night, and Tim slept through the babies’ cries – if he was there. [You can read about those early years here.]
We also felt trapped: he locked in his work; me locked out of mine. We devoted ourselves to our children and craved down time. But when Tim took an afternoon to walk in the woods by himself, I steamed at home, resentful that I never had a moment to myself. There were times when I felt so ground down by marriage and motherhood, I wanted to walk away from it all. For a long time, I fantasized that I could.
During those years, we’d argue to win, both of us insistent on being right. As distressing as the heated conversations were, they were better than the cold wars that followed. These lasted until one of us thawed, apologized, embraced. Usually, that was Tim, always more interested in loving than being right.
There are any number of hurdles where a marriage can falter and fail. Early on, I thought faltering was failing; in time, I learned that faltering was a signal to reevaluate our combined lives, to figure out how to make things right. In time, I stopped imagining walking away. In time, I knew that I wouldn’t.
A Long Marriage on the Long Trail – top of Mount Mansfield, 2017.
It wasn’t just that I was too tangled in our joint lives to walk out; it was that I no longer fantasized that any other life would be better; it was that I finally realized ours was a proven partnership that keeps improving as we age. Now more than thirty years in, and I’m deeply committed to this marriage.
In hindsight, I realize that I’ve always been committed to this marriage, even – or especially – when dissatisfaction led to conflict about how to make it better, to improve our time-management, tidy the clutter, live less wrinkled lives.
If there’s a secret to a long marriage; I doubt anyone knows what it is. But there’s definitely a comfort in a long marriage. For Tim and me, sticking with it has taught us how to grow together. We’re not the same people we were when we married. We’ve both changed, sometimes kicking and screaming, and sometimes with grace. Breathing, changing, learning to love – it’s made all the difference.
Please subscribe to receive an Essay Every Wednesday by email; they’re entertaining, educational and free.
Very brave to write this piece.
Truth in marriage: it’s hard if it’s any good.
A great piece; a good reminder!
Thanks for letting me know you read and liked it.
Thank Deb!
I once asked Dad how their marriage survived 53 years and Dad replied, “Well one of us had to be flexible.” I know who that was! Here’s to you both and many more years of wedded bliss! xo
Wise man, your dad!
I was married to Dayton just shy of 32 years when he passed. We got married at an older age then most first marrieds (me 33, he was 37). We also had our ups and downs but I felt we changed and grew together-not apart. When he died I physically hurt. Hospice told me this was common among people married awhile. I no longer hurt physically but I still miss him every day and talk to him most nights when I go to bed.
I think love makes us a better person.
Thanks for writing, Wendy. Everything I think to write in response pales to your grief.
Well said. I can relate to each sentence.
We can improve with age!
Thanks lots for writing this – I plan to share it with a very dear young (40ish) woman who has made the decision to marry her longtime partner, for practical reasons= excellent insurance benefits.
Having seen their parent’s marriages and so many others end in divorce, they had decided to make a commitment of caring but avoid marriage. You’ve written so generously of a long time marriage that has worked… yay and bravo!
Wow. I’m honored. Thank you.
thank you
You’re most welcome.
Thank you for sharing with us your beautiful honesty.
As time goes on in a relationship it is important to ‘tidy the clutter, and live less wrinkled lives.”
Beautifully put.
It gives us more spaciousness to appreciate the potential and beauty that a relationship can experience.
Thanks, Lucinda.