We were so astonished to see the bald eagle on that rainy Sunday in February, we didn’t realize it was Jan, saying goodbye.
The eagle flew across the sodden snow and perched in a pine at the far end of the field. Her head and tail appeared like patches of snow caught on the branches, drenched silvery with rain. After a while, she flapped to the top of the tallest pine, only her silhouette visible: dark, immovable.
She stayed there for hours.
Fallen Deer
Tim said, “There must be a dead deer in the field.”
We pulled on boots and rain gear to go look.
Sure enough, a young doe lay with her body pecked open, her life gone, and a calamity of animal prints in the pink-tinged snow.
Later, the eagle perched in an tree close to the house. I went out to snap a photo. She turned her head and blinked.
Sometime later, she left.
Eagles are still rare in Vermont, but common in Alaska.
Bald eagles are making a comeback in Vermont, but to see one along our small river and at this time of year is rare.
In Juneau, Alaska, eagles are nearly as common as sparrows are here. Last summer, we saw eagles perched on the lights arching over the road into town, lurking by the salmon hatchery, and – famously – wheeling above the city dump.
Since our trip to Alaska, I can’t see an eagle without thinking of Jan. But that Sunday, I didn’t know what that eagle augured. It wasn’t just that up until that day, I didn’t have the spiritual literacy to read the flight patterns of birds; I also didn’t have any reason to imagine my vibrant friend Jan suddenly lifeless. Gone.
The Long Trail
In 2016, Jan and I celebrated turning sixty by hiking The Long Trail. We walked and talked for twenty-five days, catching up on the previous thirty years during which we’d lived our lives and raised our daughters on opposite sides of the continent. Somewhere north of Camel’s Hump we started talking about what we wanted to do with what we thought would be our next thirty years. Like the college students we were when we met, and like the mature women who’d witnessed their elderly parents decline, we never imagined death would come for us any sooner.
Disbelief
I didn’t learn that Jan died until the day after the eagle came and went, and I couldn’t believe it until my confusion cleared enough to remember the eagle: how it hung around all day in the rain; how it drew our attention every time it flew past the living room windows; how it came closer and closer, until it was staring us in the face.
Augury
I’m not usually one to interpret birds as messengers from the spirit world. And maybe I’m telling myself this story to feel better. But it’s hard to feel better about a loss like this even when I scratch for reasons: Jan died too swiftly to suffer; while alive, Jan vibrated with life and adventure.
But if this is a world where Jan could drop dead on a Saturday morning, it seems just as possible that the eagle was Jan, saying goodbye. How else could her spirit travel from Alaska to Vermont as it made its rounds to her loved ones around the world?
Written to educate and entertain, Living in Place is where I publish my sometimes pointed, sometimes poetic and sometimes irritating essays about the human condition. By subscribing, you will have an essay every week delivered to your email and you will be supporting my independent, non-commercial voice. Thanks.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Take comfort that the eagle was Jan saying her goodbye and don’t be surprised if the eagle returns… I have no doubt it was her. My nephew died in a car accident a year and a half later the day before his sisters wedding a white dove appeared at his parents house perched above his bedroom window for 24 hours then flew off before the ceremony! 🦅
Thank you.
Interesting, how these comforting events speak to the recipient. I have a friend whose Christmas Rose, a gift from her deceased husband, has bloomed several times on an anniversary or birthday or other significant event. Another friend, after her father’s death, told me she felt as if he was waving to her from the moon. I “saw” my own father walking across a field of daisies with that special smile–not like a hallucination, but as clear in my mind as if I’d seen a photograph. To me, it says there’s Someone up there who knows us well enough to send a very individualized condolence card.
Thanks for these stories and your kind words.
I am so sorry for your terrible loss, Deborah.
Thank you.
Beautiful tribute to Jan and your friendship and life.
Deb, so sorry for losing your lovely friend. What a beautiful and moving piece.
Deb, (Vermont)
Jeff and I are so sad and shocked to hear about Jan ( a.k.a. our trail name for her Alaska). Although we only spent a short time with you on the Long Trail you both left a positive impact on us. I too believe the Eagle was her, you two were such good friends there was no way she was leaving without saying goodbye.
Our condolences to you and know we are thinking of you during this sad time in your life.
Thank you for sharing…you honored her beautifully
Judy and Jeff
( Pony and Mule)
Thanks so much for writing Judy (Pony). It means a lot to be in touch with the two of you who knew her from the LT. Best to you and Jeff (Mule)
Ah The Fields — literally and metaphorically. Jan continues to soar as those of us who only knew of her – now know of her more. In her passing, she has given others — like me — more purpose in life. Both urgency for what not to miss and also the paradox of slowing down into the Now. Thank you Deborah for sharing and thank you Jan.
P.S. Below are notes from our work together on Embodying Leadership. How prophetic. XO
FIELDS: Where faith, intuition and nature dwell. THE FIELDS can also be identified as environments that interact with and influence one’s life; they are the closer and farther circles in which one inhabits. Through trusting coincidence and intuition one can cultivate a sense of being in a state of flow and find higher states of consciousness.
• GREATER FIELD: (Big F – Field) Energy is in constant motion between – and all around – the body and what it creates. The Greater Field is infinitely vast.
• IMMEDIATE FIELD: (Small f – field) Part of the Greater Field where nature resides and holds information useful to individuals and the systems in which they thrive.
Alignment: You see, hear or notice signs or coincidences in nature or around you that align with your hopes, thoughts or worries. You have a sense of connection to unseen energies or powers beyond your body, yourself; you may have strong beliefs in specific Gods/Goddesses or like figures. You can feel a sense of “knowing” or of being called forth. You trust how life is unfolding – even holding the suffering as a lesson or part of a bigger plan or life story arc.
Thank you for your kind words and for reminding me how interconnected we are. xxx
I am a resident of Juneau and I worked with Jan a few years ago. I considered her a friend as well, and appreciated all the wonderful things that made her HER. Our connection has lapsed and I did not even know she had died, until someone forwarded this post to me. Thank you for posting such a lovely way to honor her, and such a gentle way for me to informed of this sad news. I wish you well in your healing and I hope that eagle comes to visit you often.
Susan Jabal
Thank you. She will be missed.